A Journey I Never Imagined
When people ask me why I chose to pursue a career in behavioral health, my answer is rooted in more than academic curiosity or a desire for professional success. My decision is connected to a life-altering experience that changed how I understand grief, trauma, resilience, and the importance of compassionate mental health care.
On November 11, 2015, my eldest son, Amari Rayshawn Barnhill, was killed by his biological father. He was just two years old.
The term for the killing of a child by their parent is filicide. Although this form of child homicide has devastating consequences for surviving families, it remains a subject that many people are unfamiliar with or find difficult to discuss.
Before experiencing it personally, I never imagined that filicide would become part of my family's story, much less a central focus of my advocacy and future professional aspirations.
Yet here I am, more than a decade later, continuing to navigate motherhood, grief, education, and the responsibility I feel to help other families whose lives have been forever changed by traumatic loss.
Grief Is Not a Straight Line
One of the greatest misconceptions about grief is that healing follows a predictable timeline.
Society often expects grieving individuals to eventually reach a point where their loss no longer affects their everyday lives. We hear phrases such as "time heals all wounds" or "you have to move on," sometimes from people who genuinely mean well.
However, grief is far more complex than those statements suggest.
I have learned that grief can coexist with happiness, achievement, love, and personal growth. I can celebrate my children's milestones, pursue academic excellence, experience joy in my marriage and family life, and still deeply mourn the son whose life ended far too soon.
These emotions are not mutually exclusive.
Grief does not necessarily disappear as life continues. Instead, our relationship with grief may evolve as we encounter new experiences, responsibilities, and milestones.
This understanding is one of the reasons I am passionate about pursuing grief counseling. I want individuals experiencing loss to know that their healing does not have to resemble anyone else's.
Turning Personal Experience Into Advocacy
Following Amari's death, I made a commitment to ensure that his life would be remembered for more than the circumstances surrounding his death.
That commitment helped shape my work as a child-loss advocate, nonprofit founder, and published author.
Through my nonprofit organization, Amari Earthly Angels, I have worked to honor his legacy while raising awareness and supporting meaningful conversations about child loss and family advocacy.
I have also published three books addressing grief, trauma, resilience, healing, and the experiences of families affected by profound loss.
Writing became more than a creative outlet. It became an opportunity to educate, connect with others, and give language to experiences that can be incredibly difficult to explain.
I am currently developing a fourth book, an anthology featuring the stories of parents who have survived filicide. My hope is that this project will help amplify voices that are too often overlooked and remind surviving families that their stories matter.
These experiences have taught me that advocacy can take many forms, from public speaking and writing to simply creating space for someone to share their story without judgment.
Why Education Matters to My Purpose
Although my personal experiences have given me an intimate understanding of traumatic grief, I also recognize that lived experience alone does not qualify someone to provide professional mental health treatment.
That distinction is extremely important to me.
I am currently pursuing my Bachelor of Science in Behavioral Health Science at Grand Canyon University, where my studies are helping me develop a deeper understanding of human behavior, psychological development, counseling theories, cultural influences, and ethical responsibilities.
Earning recognition on the Dean's List has been a meaningful academic achievement, especially while balancing my responsibilities as a mother, wife, author, and advocate.
However, my greatest motivation extends beyond grades or recognition.
Every course brings me closer to understanding how to support individuals whose experiences, backgrounds, beliefs, and responses to trauma may differ significantly from my own.
My long-term goal is to earn a master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, obtain professional licensure, and specialize in grief and bereavement counseling.
I want to combine compassionate care with evidence-based therapeutic approaches so that the individuals and families I eventually serve receive support grounded in both empathy and professional competence.
The Importance of Seeing the Person Beyond the Pain
Studying behavioral health has reinforced something I have believed throughout my advocacy journey: people are more than their most painful experiences.
A grieving parent is still a parent. A trauma survivor is still an individual with hopes, relationships, strengths, and aspirations. Someone experiencing mental health challenges deserves to be understood as a whole person rather than reduced to a diagnosis or a single event.
I believe effective support begins with recognizing that individuality.
Culture, family relationships, personal beliefs, developmental experiences, and access to resources can all influence how people understand and respond to grief.
My aspiration as a future therapist is not to tell people how they should grieve, but to help them navigate their experiences in ways that honor their needs, values, and circumstances.
Building a Legacy Through Education and Service
When I reflect on my journey, I recognize that my accomplishments are connected by a common purpose.
My books, nonprofit leadership, academic achievements, and advocacy efforts are not separate parts of my life. They represent different ways I am working toward the same goal: helping others feel seen, heard, and supported.
I also want my children to understand the value of perseverance, education, compassion, and using their voices to create positive change.
There is no achievement that could ever replace my son or erase the pain of losing him. Nor do I believe that tragedy must have a greater purpose to justify its existence.
What I do believe is that I can choose how I respond to the experiences that have shaped my life.
For me, that choice includes continuing my education, sharing my story responsibly, advocating for surviving families, and preparing for a career dedicated to compassionate mental health care.
Final Thoughts
If there is one message I hope readers take away from my story, it is that personal growth and grief can exist simultaneously.
We can acknowledge what we have lost while continuing to pursue meaningful goals. We can honor those who are no longer physically present while building a future that reflects our values.
My journey into behavioral health is still unfolding, and I have much more to learn.
But I am committed to becoming a professional who approaches others with humility, empathy, cultural awareness, and respect for the uniqueness of their experiences.
My grief is part of my story, but it is not the entirety of my identity! My education is helping me prepare for a future where I can turn compassion into competent care and advocacy into lasting change.
And through it all, I will continue honoring Amari's life, not only by remembering him, but by ensuring that love, awareness, and service remain central to the legacy I am building.
About the Author
Nakesa Sineath is a Behavioral Health Science undergraduate student at Grand Canyon University, three-time Dean's List honoree, three-time published author, nonprofit founder, and child-loss advocate. She is pursuing a future career as a licensed grief therapist, with interests in traumatic grief, bereavement counseling, filicide awareness, and culturally responsive mental health care.
